shag me
Act Art 6
posted by argy sapountzakis at 9:00 PM
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Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Friday, May 11, 2007
A -- S T H E N I A
PROJECT CRITICAL REVIEW
“The body is endlessly torn and inexorably in pain. The psyche is burdened and unaided. Any intended notion of salvation fails relentlessly. Through my own experiences and upbringing, I humbly tried to exalt this underlying 'asthenia': the lack of strength and the disintegration that has always existed in every aspect of our western world society”
Argyris Sapountzakis
During the 1980s Greece began to experience a gradual transformation from traditional ways based on Middle Eastern roots and adopted the traditions of Western Europe. Those who adopted the effects of this transformation to the greatest extent were those of the middle and lower classes, with the intention of breaking away from the misery, regression and common ideology that they were surrounded by. It was during this period that I entered the world. I was born into a middle class family to common, working-class parents from the countryside, who led a traditional way of life, based on Christian ethics and bourgeois mannerisms of the 1950s.
It was during my adolescence, that I first felt the pressure of having to be a “good Christian”. Having to avoid “temptation” and striving not to “sin” prevented me from expressing myself in the way I desired to. Socializing with children my age who shared my anti-religious ideas, I found an intellectual, sentimental and physical escape from the religious masochism and myth of sin. I began imitating rebellious icons of the time. I pierced my ears, got tattoos and searched for channels via music, drugs and friends. This new world was initially attractive to me but eventually turned out to be catastrophic. However, I was living amongst people that judged me solely by my appearance, the language I used and the way I partied. These were the criteria I was judged by. My life became a materialistic chaos which brought about insanity – panic attacks and depression. The fear of sin made me develop an inexistence and invisibility phobia.
I began seeing psychologists and was prescribe medication. This was while I was studying at university where I took courses on humans and society and found something worthy. I discovered that art was the vehicle to express myself as it incorporates the body, mind and soul, to transport me to another level; another sense of being. My studies enabled me to understand that the arts could be my sole cure. I immersed myself into the magic of identifying my being take form in other objects, humans and new creations. This provided me with the ability to see and speak clearly without boundaries, giving and receiving energy and becoming one with the rest of the people.
The theme of my exhibition is the 'body' and its relationship with people. I attempted to show that the body is a mechanism of recording and reenacting messages created by society, civilization and ideologies. The body is a blank slit on which every person and society inscribes their own messages.
A-sthenia
The title
The Greek word 'asthenia' – which has maintained the same meaning since antiquity – is a compound word and consists of two parts. The first part is the prefix a-, which is the equivalent to the English prefix non- and the second part is the noun 'sthenos', which means strength . In ancient Greek the word asthenis initially denoted a weak person who is unimportant in every aspect of life. However, owing to Hippocrates, the word ended up connoting lack of physical strength as well as illness in the 5th century B.C. .
This Greek word is also included in the English vocabulary, but mainly as a medical term – not too commonly used, though – to refer to a patient’s lack of physical strength.
As far as the question of why I haven’t included a thorough and specific lexical meaning of the word – either in the flyer or during the exhibition – is concerned, the answer is rather self-evident in terms of an artistic creation. To my mind, the act of using a proper, meticulous explanation of the word seemed to be superfluous, since the definition of the word itself constitutes the main object of every single work of art in the exhibition. In addition my description regarding the title of the exhibition would have been meaningless as well as extremely analytical, since, in my view, the sole way for a person to fully grasp the meaning of the exhibition – as I meant to convey it – was to interpret it individually by viewing the work presented at the exhibition. Thus, had I included a lexical meaning, I would have only achieved to unjustly oversimplify and eventually demote the concept of the whole project. It would incite and give ground to a more fruitful conversation and a lot of feedback, as it finally happened after all.
The flyer
To be made uutterly clear, this solo exhibition was – to a great extent – biographical and inspired and created based on my personal experiences. I wanted to communicate this to the audience from an early stage and that is why I used my portrait on the front cover of the flyer. To make it even more implicit, I slightly altered my portrait by replacing the eyes with two oblations which carry a double meaning. First, I wished to declare the meaning of hope offered through faith and convey the fact that it is a feeling which I have felt myself from time to time. Secondly, I wanted to symbolize the filter through which I managed to witness and confront a lot of what I described.
A short, yet seemingly convoluted statement on the back of the flyer provides the reader with some additional and completely personal information about my character . The statement’s main goal is to predispose the visitor about the whole idea of what they are to experience and give them a small taste of what 'a-sthenia' is.
Furthermore, I would like to note that apart from the acknowledgements and the information which is on the back of the flyer, I have also included a rather large map, so as to indicate the proximity of the Nolias Gallery to the Tate Modern. I felt that this would attract more people belonging to what we could refer to as the “expert audience”. That is, people who relate art to every aspect of their lives and constantly keep track of it. These are the kind of people my project is aimed at.
Live Performance – Installation
On the first day of the private view of the exhibition, a live performance was incorporated. Its subject was the role that faith plays – the role that we take for granted in our everyday lives as a synonym of hope, as a means of dealing with difficult situations and humans’ fixation on it even in instances where it proves to be futile, scant or damaging to the soul.
A woman on crutches staggers and harms herself, struggles with herself, trying to stand on her feet and throw away her crutches which are both her Faith and her only support. After the struggle with her defective supports and the struggle with herself she manages to break free from one of her crutches, by throwing it away. However, she immediately realizes that it will take more effort to rid of the second crutch. It takes greater power, strong will and determination because she cannot just push it away, she has to uproot it, and she tries to do so with both hands, with all the power she has left. She is desperate and in panic, her attempt is so intense that her body is shaking allover. Through her delirium, it is obvious that her soul is also convulsing. Her inner battles and dilemmas are accentuated by outer predicaments. She has no allies, only obstacles to overcome on her own. Even when she finally manages to uproot her only support, her next move, makes it obvious that she is in pain. She is suffering now, even more than she was before. This uprooting that she expected would lead her to salvation left her wounded and void. No matter how much she wanted it or suffered for it, declining help was not an option. She could neither unintentionally renounce the ideals on which she was brought up and fed by her environment. She feels uneasy and is not prepared to face the freedom she gained after having to fight with herself and the world she was accustomed to. She is confused and punishes herself by beating the parts of her body that have been an obstacle to her. She beats her chest and her genitalia (symbols of femininity). Femininity on one hand is a synonym for reproduction, maternity, companionship and on the other, a carnal desire and the woman as an object of sex, on the other. She is vulnerable and the outside predicaments she faces, literally throw her against the wall, she is left exposed. Her strength, her “sthenos”, begins to fade. She collapses and finally tumbles to the ground. A sound of glass breaking is heard and the woman crawls on it, as if she is punishing herself just for trying to escape. She crawls on it, in self-torture, like the god-fearing men who often endure unbearable pain as an offering to god, expecting salvation. The desperate woman, however, is not after redemption, she hasn’t got any power left, and she just expresses herself through this ritual and practice, as this is the only way she knows how. Even if she has denounced the semantics of Christianity, she uses it to express her pain, despair, weakness. She finally moves towards the audience, and again she borrows symbols of Christianity to attempt suicide. This is paired by a sound reminiscent of a cardiogram. She falls down and remains there until the end of the show, lying down covered in a pall. It is not clear if she finally dies or not. This is not the point of the performance. The focus is on the agony of her soul and her lack of strength when it comes to getting out of the despair caused by her own hope for salvation through faith. The performer, Anna Liisa Milani is an Italian woman I chose for a number of reasons¬
The main reason, however, being that her body is very feminine, which means that with the right moves she could show her reaction to the definition of her physical feminine external identity.
A main point of interest is the despair humans undergo due to the roles and identities society has assigned them. Another point I wanted to make clear from the beginning is that “a-sthenia” is clearly a state both psychological and mental. It is not only the body that suffers. I thought that it would be ideal to choose a body that is beautiful and healthy so as the meaning of what I have called “A-sthenia” would be crystal clear. Nevertheless, I did not want this beautiful body to be viewed as obscene; therefore, even the choice of underwear was such, to accentuate the purity of her face and her sexuality only as part of her identity.
The crutches used are those of my father. Thinking in an almost idolatrous way myself, I used those particular crutches, as for me they are so tightly connected with imagery and experiences of my life, that I find it hard to dissociate from my father and treat them as a simple object. .
The live performance took place behind a glass , for reasons that had to do strictly with the exhibition, for I wanted the audience to be in close proximity with the performance without being able to come in physical contact with it ie. Touch it. On the other hand, this was done for symbolic reasons: the woman was trapped, caged in a confined environment, a glass jar, with no means of escaping. At the same time, through her exhibition to the audience that “arrayed” opposite from her, I wanted it to work as an example, as a live projection of a situation that in different context could express most people.
The ripping of the paper before the live show commenced was intended to portray a revelation. A confession of my own, very private experiences that would follow through the whole exhibition, which I will elaborate on later. I felt that everyone attending should know they were going to share something totally private, a “secret” that I decided to share. I wanted this confession to be followed by a particular ritual .
The performance was based on a concept of mine5 that I shared with Anna-Liisa with whom I managed to communicate and cooperate constructively. Under my directing she could improvise with regards to choosing her moves and therefore leave her personal mark in the presentation. By entering my project and apprehending my concept she managed to bring a creation of her own to life, one that embodied everything I wanted to say regarding women’s imprisonment in their own body and how the social gender is defined by the sex through a strictly feminine point of view.
Finally, what also played an important part in the making of this particular project was the sound design, for which I cooperated with the sound designer Niqo Liberi. It has to be taken into account that all sounds used were not only accompanying the performance but they were also integral to it, in some instances even created audio images that stood for optical images, that were necessary for the audience to understand my concept.
In the following days of the exhibition, an installation was set up where the live performance had taken place. Not only was it set up there to be reminding of the performance but also to complement it, showing that the woman’s spiritual wandering is not finished. It perpetuates. Her torturous struggle to find a way out of her faith (that turned out to be of no help) and find a way out of an identity that was made up for her by somebody else is everlasting. For this reason I chose a video that contains movement (the figure appears and disappears in various spots) and not a static image. I wanted the magnitude of repetitiveness and circularity (that is a key component to all psychological conditions, relations and questioning, as well as a main subject of the whole exhibition) to be made obvious. In addition, with the use of a television screen, I wanted to create the illusion that the woman is still in the room. Her appearance in the room, as being alive through the course of the exhibition was essential, as I did not want to create the impression that she was deceased. My message was that the upshot of the presentation was not as important as her constant, everlasting battle of “a-sthenia”.
In addition, I set up a section including religious elements and symbols that indicated the atmosphere present on the first day of the exhibition. There were elements related to sacredness, such as vigil lights, censers, candles, oil, lighters, oblations (little metallic items with engraved illustrations of body parts that need to be healed) They were arranged in such a way that they were ready for use. This was my way of trying to make the audience realize that I am making them part of my state of mind and respective practices. It isn't an exaggeration to say that, this was a way for me to show my intent to sanctify the woman who was presented in this story. I purposely used Christian religious symbols to deliver my message, irrespective of my views on faith, as these were the practices I grew up with and they were the only ones I could use as symbols .
Furthermore, I ensured that the crutches were left on display at the exhibition, for symbolic purposes. This project had a psychoanalytical core and was therefore emotionally charged.
One of my main concerns regarding the performance was how I would capture the essence of the live performance and deliver it to those not present for the actual performance. I came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be useful to over-analyze the content so as to make sure that everyone is able to understand or feel it and that it should not be an intermediary between the work of art and the audience. I believe that the time based and specific site installation received positive comments from those who saw and understood it, while for another part of the audience it might have been considered as a “negative” aspect of the exhibition. I even decided to openly share my concern with the audience since my work was highly autobiographical and self-psychoanalytical. This is exactly why the phrase “For those who know, no explanation is necessary, for those who don’t, no explanation is sufficient” was put up in the transition point between the installation and the video exhibition.
Video collage - split screens
All of the videos are a purely personal and autobiographical part of the exhibition. In the performance I added autobiographical elements as hints, while in the videos, I literally brought family relations and affairs to light, using the people that are actually involved. I did not use actors, I asked my parents, brother and grandmother to play the roles I assigned to them. Those parts were not made up, they were the way I see them in real life. Exactly because I confess and expose myself in the videos, because I share my secrets with the audience, I chose to show the videos on a niche on the left side of the Gallery, as a smaller size projection in relation to the one of the largest video projection of “slap me”. The videos are more than a plain report or description, they are an announcement of feelings and situations that for me, as I have already mentioned, has a psychoanalytical and a psychotherapeutic dimension. Furthermore, it contains an element of “revenge” for situations I have been hurt by, from time to time. It was the first time in my life I felt ready to do something like this. I had left my country and my home to study abroad, I managed to detach myself from certain situations, observe them objectively write them down. Away from the everyday life of my family, I managed to approach it with self-possession and with the self-criticism necessary, without actually living it but by recalling it. In addition, this was also my first work as an artist, allowed me to use this experience as a means of “catharsis” but also as the initiation of a brand new world, one that gives me the opportunity to express my opposition towards the religious and scientist stereotypes I was brought up with.
I thought that presenting sides of problematic and soul-destroying relationships within the family would be ideal, as that would accentuate the circularity and the difficulties one faces when it comes to escaping those relationships. All videos are made with loops for the reason mentioned above, to emphasize repetitiveness which is a fundamental element of all perplexed human relations
What I was interested in, from an artistic point of view was that the content and the way I formed it would be prominent, and not making an impression with the technical equipment I would use. For artistic but also for practical and financial reasons, I thought that the University’s projectors would be adequate. The main idea of the whole concept was simplicity and realism in my images. I also considered it to be a sincere practice to be used on the setting-up and utilization of the technical equipment, which in my opinion should not be enforced in the content to make an impression. On the contrary, they should be used to bolster it up.
Even if each video is a story on its own and they could be considered separate works, to me they are a unity and one could be , to me they are a unity and have continuity, as in the process of making one of them ideas for the next came up, to complement or adverse them. Everything is in split screens, a style I used to show different dimensions of each situation but also to insert additional information every time I thought it to be necessary to complete the main subject shown. The element that connects the five videos is castration , five different versions of it and in a different context each time.
• My grandmother and father play in the first video. My grandmother appears to be extremely elderly and weak. She can hardly use the big scissors with which she threatens to castrate with. The scissors’ snipping is repetitive and intense. Next, the scissors are handed over to the person who was going to be castrated, my father. He brings the scissors to his chest. He compulsively accepts the threat, and brings it on to himself, as if admitting he cannot escape it. He gives the scissors back to her, for her to proceed with the castration. This is where his weakness, his lack of determination and will to alter this situation, his “a-sthenia” lies. The shots on the side provide information and explain the reasons why the situation is such. More information about the grandmother’s personality and her influence on my father is provided. I edited her image and presented her bearing male genitalia as part of her own body. This is the role she had to play due to the absence of her husband who was a sea man . She had to perform the role of both a mother and a father. Again, in a revengeful mood, I wanted to revise the standard image of a traditional grandmother visually. This is obvious in the contrast between the two shots, as in the first one the grandmother appears wearing her hair in a bun which is typical of elder women, while in the other one her image is “wilder”, (in a sense that she is wearing her hair long and it is blowing in the wind.
• In the second video the hand holding the scissors is mine and the other is my father’s. Here, it looks like I am the one finally castrating my father, who had just experienced the fear of castration from his mother without having finally been subjected to it. The theme of 'castration' that is being explored here is multi-dimensional and has the following meanings. On one hand, it marks my effort to rid myself from the excessively problematic situation caused by my father’s handicap and the impact the situation of the absence of a father-figure had on me as a child. On the other hand there is something in this image that brings animals to mind, the hand “walks” like a pawn on the chair. It is the same hand that held the crutches, which is the exact image of my father I have in my head, along with the intense movements of his arms. If one takes into account that in semantics the nails of all living organisms are translated to aggression and means of harming or immobilizing the victim, in this case, the nail clipping is charged with the semantic weight of the effort to restrain body growth, to stop someone else from obstructing me. Furthermore, nails grow and need care and clipping every now and then, thus they can easily be paralleled to emotional problems that are fed by our own existence and they never stop growing unless we, ourselves, or some other person takes care of them and stops them from growing.
This is the only one of the five videos where the cutting tool manages to cut and injure. Blood oozes from the smallest and weakest finger, as in this case in my effort to seek “revenge” and detach myself sentimentally from this dead end situation, I cut deeper than I should have and this results in me hurting my father. This might be the only shot where “a-sthenia” is fought not only from me, but also from my father who accepts to show the camera his injured and bleeding finger.
• The third video was the first one I made, which in the course developed as an idea and presentation but was also the inspiration for the rest the videos. It was also the starting point for the exploration of relationships within my family. In this video I reenact the connection between the mother and the child through the umbilical cord, the inmost desire to cut it, in order for maturity and independence to be achieved, according to the dictations of the western scientific thought but I also touch human fear and insecurity of detachment.
This is how fear, threat and the palindrome moves of mother and child before the undoing of this bond are interpreted. It is the fear of the new situation, the fear of detachment, but at the same time the fear that this detachment must be completed. The scissors flow to show the threat hovering over the relationship. The origin of this threat as well as the person who is threatened is unspecified, for it concerns both of them: mother and son.
The father plays no part in this dilemma. He is absent. The threat has no particular face, it is multiple and multidimensional. It concerns existence as a whole, not the body nor the soul, this is why it occupies the main shot four times and it includes it forming a cross. The characters move continuously, compulsively, in an almost neurotic way. It begins with an embrace and it is completed in a circle, with an embrace again, but one cannot make out what is hiding there, if the umbilical cord is there or not.
• My father and uncle take part in the fourth video. What is more prominent in this one is abrasion. Each one of them tries to prove his strength and masculinity. This is to say, the subject is survival of the fittest, display of power and the rivalry between these two individuals. What they are more afraid of is that their masculinity might be doubted. They were born to the same mother; therefore they have both faced the metaphorical threat of castration The irony lies in that their body-type is almost effeminate, their breasts are big, they do not have the standard male body type, which makes their need to seek confirmation for their masculinity more intense. The shoot is composed of the two characters positioned across each other holding electrical cutting wheels. Sparks from the cutting tools fire out frame the two characters. The direction of the sparkles that are created by each one’s effort is diametrically opposite. They are two completely different people, the only thing they really have in common is that they both wish to disengage themselves from the responsibility they feel to demonstrate their power as expected by males. In the end, none of the two quits this compulsive act, neither do they show any sign of “sthenos” against the oppression caused by their sexual identity. This is where their “a-sthenia” lies. Not only they do not stop this “game” they are playing, but in the end, they start producing sparkles while facing the camera, showing their strength in a final effort to prove who is stronger than whom.
• In the fifth video I chose to use only one member of my family, my brother and a man who is a butcher. I wanted to show that I cut him off from the rest of the family. This particular choice has its roots to my mental image of him, with regards to his role in the family. The first impression is that he is attached to the family; he is always involved in family issues and in a way plays the part of a negotiator between the family and the rest of the world. In some extent, he is supposedly financially and professionally independent, but in reality he has not shown the strength (“sthenos”) required to detach himself emotionally from the family, to live on his own or even the strength to argue with the parents in case a family crisis occurs. In this video, I present him as an apprentice to a butcher. There is no injury or cutting in this video. What is prominent is the repetitive motion of the tool. The idea is that I present him to work with a professional butcher; so as to learn the craft learn how to cut with force, learn how to cut deep when necessary. The way the act is being performed, combined with the tool and object to be cut, symbolizes the behavior and attitude to life that my brother has, according to my opinion. Thus, it functions as an urge for him to face life with strength and honesty. In a way, I “punish” my brother by isolating him from the rest of the family, because his role as a mediator/negotiator in the family –an attitude completely different from mine- and as a result has always made me feel like an outsider.
Overall, in all five videos, the different ways of presenting castration, both physical and metaphorical is aimed at setting examples to the audience. It is a presentation of situations that may remind the audience of situations they have experienced themselves. One might identify him/herself, since these situations are more or else common to many families. The feel that I wanted to create is that our relationships with people close to us often cause dilemmas; this is the reason why I used repetition as a pattern. I also wanted to trigger the audience to think of how our experiences affect the way we think and our attitude in life as well as to make clear that it is important that one takes time to dedicate to him/herself and their relationships, so as to redefine and reform them, instead of letting them get stagnant in a pre-defined and often sick context.
“Slap-me” video
The projection on the large wall opposite the entrance shows my parents sitting at a table that is set for lunch. It symbolizes a typical day in the life of the Greek family. The table functions as the meeting point of the family, it is where the family members meet and communicate. The moment the whole family sits at the table is almost considered to be sacred.
In this particular case, my parents are seated opposite one another. This is a typical moment of communication in everyday life but it is also the moment they confront each other. Their mouths are gagged and through the movement of their hands there is a hint of contact. A contact of a different kind, one where violence becomes a form of communication due to lack of other means, due to failure of the ability of expressing thoughts and emotions. The body is used as a mediator for messages, their aim is not to hurt each other, it is the only means of communication available. The ability to communicate, to express emotions through speech is lost. Their mouths are gagged by the absence of “sthenos” to express themselves through speech that might have its roots in lack of knowledge or emotional strength, to shame, or to lack of different forms of castration that could have given them the ability to manage their feelings consciously through speech or expression. Even if what is happening is causing them physical and emotional pain, it is impossible that they stop it, due to the fact they are being selfish or due to their need, their passion to express themselves in any way possible. At times, it seems like everything is calm on the surface, the hands go up and down, caress each other, but the tension in the weird and restless way the hands move is such that only presages the next wave of violence. This is but a vicious circle of compulsive repetition.
The sound heard through the video is reminiscent of wailing and moaning. I imitated the sound I produced as a child when I whined or protested or wanted to show I was annoyed by something but could not cry. Often, I would produce this “protesting” sound when I heard my parents fight. It was a sound that was so intense, I would still hear it in my ears long after I had stopped producing it. This is how I wanted it to be in the exhibition, loud, almost irritating at first but hypnotizing later, so that anyone leaving the room would take the sound with them after they had walked out.
The sound in the exhibition was really my voice edited by a PC. It was coming out of this particular video – for technical reasons- but it was meant to be heard throughout the room as it was the soundtrack for all the other projections. After its final edit, there was an echo to it as if it was coming from different people, as to say that similar situations are experienced –at least as far as emotional impact is concerned- by most people. In the beginning it was so monotonous and acute, one that it is hard to endure, but as it went on, due to its monotony became hypnotizing. It turned out to help the audience concentrate on the videos and understand them. The speakers were put up in a way that made it seem like the sound pushed the audiences towards the central video “slap me”.
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About a month after the exhibition, I am able to make an account of what I have gained and achieved through this process. I can also criticize myself with regards to what could have been done differently.
I dedicated myself to this exhibition both literally and metaphorically. I was immersed in the project for a long period of time, and I dedicated myself physically and emotionally. The content derived from all of my personal experiences and the way I presented and edited it was according to the artistic techniques and exploration of theories I came to contact with, through this MA. Techniques and theories that have impressed, influenced and touched me. My strongest emotional moment was when I realized that these studies affected my life and changed it, opened my mind and cleansed my soul. Through them, I achieved salvation; I came in touch with a new, creative way to handle my feelings and thoughts. This fills me with pleasure and it is this pleasure I try to communicate to anyone who comes in touch with my work, in one way or the other.
Initially, it was hard for me to go back to situations I was hurt or scarred by, it was painful to experience them again, to try and process them artistically in order to use them in a creative manner. The idea of the exhibition frightened me because I would have to share my most intimate thoughts, not just to one person, like I would to a psychologist, but to a larger audience of people of different cultures and beliefs. Bearing these factors in mind, I felt I was taking a risk. I risked that my work might not have been understood by some or to have been considered bizarre or even funny by others.
I gained great strength when I realized how beneficial this effort was for both my soul and personality. The process of preparing and organizing the exhibition had psychoanalytical and psychotherapeutic effects on me.
Of course, I had to face great difficulties, mainly technical and financial. After having discussions with various people, I borrowed the University’s projectors and I had to readjust pieces of my original project in order for the Gallery owner to consent to the exhibition taking place in her Gallery. Furthermore, my PC “betrayed” me a few days before the exhibition and I had to set a lot of things up from the start with all the patience I had left after losing a respectable amount of work. In one way or the other, I overcame all the obstacles that came my way, and the exhibition had finally started.
On the first day, I was under unbearable emotional and psychological stress when I realized that it was 6:30 p.m and the crowd was yet to show up for the Performance. I was desperate and in panic. The minutes until there were enough people to start the show felt like an eternity. After almost half an hour, when enough people had shown up and had gathered in from of the glass, the exhibition started with the live performance, which dare I say, even I found to be sensational in its final form.
As months have passed by the end of the exhibition, I came to realize that at that time I was not ready to face criticism or listen to feedback as I should have. I was not composed enough-as I was very tired after having put a lot of effort and energy in this project- to accept views on my work which were different from mine.
Looking back now, I can say that my attitude towards criticism could pose as a psychological complex, since I can now realize that not only am I profoundly interested in listening to any comment or objection towards the exhibition but I consider observing my own work through different perspectives to be substantially beneficial and I try to share and grasp the impressions it has made on other people whether they were good or bad. Besides, since the exhibition, my art has gone on existing through people’s observation and it has now acquired its own shape and form which is constantly evolving. Even when I watch the video from the exhibition myself over and over again, I always spot new dimensions in it and I do realize their impact vary from individual to individual. Borrowing a principle from linguistics – literature and applying it into Art in general, I’d say “the qualified reader discovers new messages which the creators themselves didn’t mean to convey in their works of art.” If one should contemplate how interactive an exhibition is, only then would one fully comprehend the immensely important role that conversation, re-evaluation and feedback play in the very essence of the work of art itself.
Nevertheless, I do not regret the fact that I decided to use different ways of recording reviews instead of the ordinary guest book/comment book during the exhibition . In my opinion, the reviews recorded in the guest book/comment book are usually formal, flattering and lacking in essence – with some exceptions, of course – whereas for someone to be interested enough in commenting on the exhibition so as to log on the internet to review proves to be an honest, meaningful and conscious intention of constructive criticism.
Following the disclosing pattern I have imbued the exhibition with, I would like to finish with another personal confession:
Through my final project I reconnected with my family from which I was detached in the past. For me, it was utterly touching and redeeming that my parents and family proved that they approved and trusted me in an overwhelming and honest way by taking part in my videos as performers. I cannot help but think of it as a sheer acceptance of the truth that was hidden beneath my confusion that i have expressed through my work. Thus, one of my greatest problems – the feeling that no one was willing to understand me – has now been solved. Frankly, for them, this was a step they would have never taken as their participation in my work was something they could never imagine. As for me, it was an inmost desire which now has come to life.
“The body is endlessly torn and inexorably in pain. The psyche is burdened and unaided. Any intended notion of salvation fails relentlessly. Through my own experiences and upbringing, I humbly tried to exalt this underlying 'asthenia': the lack of strength and the disintegration that has always existed in every aspect of our western world society”
Argyris Sapountzakis
During the 1980s Greece began to experience a gradual transformation from traditional ways based on Middle Eastern roots and adopted the traditions of Western Europe. Those who adopted the effects of this transformation to the greatest extent were those of the middle and lower classes, with the intention of breaking away from the misery, regression and common ideology that they were surrounded by. It was during this period that I entered the world. I was born into a middle class family to common, working-class parents from the countryside, who led a traditional way of life, based on Christian ethics and bourgeois mannerisms of the 1950s.
It was during my adolescence, that I first felt the pressure of having to be a “good Christian”. Having to avoid “temptation” and striving not to “sin” prevented me from expressing myself in the way I desired to. Socializing with children my age who shared my anti-religious ideas, I found an intellectual, sentimental and physical escape from the religious masochism and myth of sin. I began imitating rebellious icons of the time. I pierced my ears, got tattoos and searched for channels via music, drugs and friends. This new world was initially attractive to me but eventually turned out to be catastrophic. However, I was living amongst people that judged me solely by my appearance, the language I used and the way I partied. These were the criteria I was judged by. My life became a materialistic chaos which brought about insanity – panic attacks and depression. The fear of sin made me develop an inexistence and invisibility phobia.
I began seeing psychologists and was prescribe medication. This was while I was studying at university where I took courses on humans and society and found something worthy. I discovered that art was the vehicle to express myself as it incorporates the body, mind and soul, to transport me to another level; another sense of being. My studies enabled me to understand that the arts could be my sole cure. I immersed myself into the magic of identifying my being take form in other objects, humans and new creations. This provided me with the ability to see and speak clearly without boundaries, giving and receiving energy and becoming one with the rest of the people.
The theme of my exhibition is the 'body' and its relationship with people. I attempted to show that the body is a mechanism of recording and reenacting messages created by society, civilization and ideologies. The body is a blank slit on which every person and society inscribes their own messages.
A-sthenia
The title
The Greek word 'asthenia' – which has maintained the same meaning since antiquity – is a compound word and consists of two parts. The first part is the prefix a-, which is the equivalent to the English prefix non- and the second part is the noun 'sthenos', which means strength . In ancient Greek the word asthenis initially denoted a weak person who is unimportant in every aspect of life. However, owing to Hippocrates, the word ended up connoting lack of physical strength as well as illness in the 5th century B.C. .
This Greek word is also included in the English vocabulary, but mainly as a medical term – not too commonly used, though – to refer to a patient’s lack of physical strength.
As far as the question of why I haven’t included a thorough and specific lexical meaning of the word – either in the flyer or during the exhibition – is concerned, the answer is rather self-evident in terms of an artistic creation. To my mind, the act of using a proper, meticulous explanation of the word seemed to be superfluous, since the definition of the word itself constitutes the main object of every single work of art in the exhibition. In addition my description regarding the title of the exhibition would have been meaningless as well as extremely analytical, since, in my view, the sole way for a person to fully grasp the meaning of the exhibition – as I meant to convey it – was to interpret it individually by viewing the work presented at the exhibition. Thus, had I included a lexical meaning, I would have only achieved to unjustly oversimplify and eventually demote the concept of the whole project. It would incite and give ground to a more fruitful conversation and a lot of feedback, as it finally happened after all.
The flyer
To be made uutterly clear, this solo exhibition was – to a great extent – biographical and inspired and created based on my personal experiences. I wanted to communicate this to the audience from an early stage and that is why I used my portrait on the front cover of the flyer. To make it even more implicit, I slightly altered my portrait by replacing the eyes with two oblations which carry a double meaning. First, I wished to declare the meaning of hope offered through faith and convey the fact that it is a feeling which I have felt myself from time to time. Secondly, I wanted to symbolize the filter through which I managed to witness and confront a lot of what I described.
A short, yet seemingly convoluted statement on the back of the flyer provides the reader with some additional and completely personal information about my character . The statement’s main goal is to predispose the visitor about the whole idea of what they are to experience and give them a small taste of what 'a-sthenia' is.
Furthermore, I would like to note that apart from the acknowledgements and the information which is on the back of the flyer, I have also included a rather large map, so as to indicate the proximity of the Nolias Gallery to the Tate Modern. I felt that this would attract more people belonging to what we could refer to as the “expert audience”. That is, people who relate art to every aspect of their lives and constantly keep track of it. These are the kind of people my project is aimed at.
Live Performance – Installation
On the first day of the private view of the exhibition, a live performance was incorporated. Its subject was the role that faith plays – the role that we take for granted in our everyday lives as a synonym of hope, as a means of dealing with difficult situations and humans’ fixation on it even in instances where it proves to be futile, scant or damaging to the soul.
A woman on crutches staggers and harms herself, struggles with herself, trying to stand on her feet and throw away her crutches which are both her Faith and her only support. After the struggle with her defective supports and the struggle with herself she manages to break free from one of her crutches, by throwing it away. However, she immediately realizes that it will take more effort to rid of the second crutch. It takes greater power, strong will and determination because she cannot just push it away, she has to uproot it, and she tries to do so with both hands, with all the power she has left. She is desperate and in panic, her attempt is so intense that her body is shaking allover. Through her delirium, it is obvious that her soul is also convulsing. Her inner battles and dilemmas are accentuated by outer predicaments. She has no allies, only obstacles to overcome on her own. Even when she finally manages to uproot her only support, her next move, makes it obvious that she is in pain. She is suffering now, even more than she was before. This uprooting that she expected would lead her to salvation left her wounded and void. No matter how much she wanted it or suffered for it, declining help was not an option. She could neither unintentionally renounce the ideals on which she was brought up and fed by her environment. She feels uneasy and is not prepared to face the freedom she gained after having to fight with herself and the world she was accustomed to. She is confused and punishes herself by beating the parts of her body that have been an obstacle to her. She beats her chest and her genitalia (symbols of femininity). Femininity on one hand is a synonym for reproduction, maternity, companionship and on the other, a carnal desire and the woman as an object of sex, on the other. She is vulnerable and the outside predicaments she faces, literally throw her against the wall, she is left exposed. Her strength, her “sthenos”, begins to fade. She collapses and finally tumbles to the ground. A sound of glass breaking is heard and the woman crawls on it, as if she is punishing herself just for trying to escape. She crawls on it, in self-torture, like the god-fearing men who often endure unbearable pain as an offering to god, expecting salvation. The desperate woman, however, is not after redemption, she hasn’t got any power left, and she just expresses herself through this ritual and practice, as this is the only way she knows how. Even if she has denounced the semantics of Christianity, she uses it to express her pain, despair, weakness. She finally moves towards the audience, and again she borrows symbols of Christianity to attempt suicide. This is paired by a sound reminiscent of a cardiogram. She falls down and remains there until the end of the show, lying down covered in a pall. It is not clear if she finally dies or not. This is not the point of the performance. The focus is on the agony of her soul and her lack of strength when it comes to getting out of the despair caused by her own hope for salvation through faith. The performer, Anna Liisa Milani is an Italian woman I chose for a number of reasons¬
The main reason, however, being that her body is very feminine, which means that with the right moves she could show her reaction to the definition of her physical feminine external identity.
A main point of interest is the despair humans undergo due to the roles and identities society has assigned them. Another point I wanted to make clear from the beginning is that “a-sthenia” is clearly a state both psychological and mental. It is not only the body that suffers. I thought that it would be ideal to choose a body that is beautiful and healthy so as the meaning of what I have called “A-sthenia” would be crystal clear. Nevertheless, I did not want this beautiful body to be viewed as obscene; therefore, even the choice of underwear was such, to accentuate the purity of her face and her sexuality only as part of her identity.
The crutches used are those of my father. Thinking in an almost idolatrous way myself, I used those particular crutches, as for me they are so tightly connected with imagery and experiences of my life, that I find it hard to dissociate from my father and treat them as a simple object. .
The live performance took place behind a glass , for reasons that had to do strictly with the exhibition, for I wanted the audience to be in close proximity with the performance without being able to come in physical contact with it ie. Touch it. On the other hand, this was done for symbolic reasons: the woman was trapped, caged in a confined environment, a glass jar, with no means of escaping. At the same time, through her exhibition to the audience that “arrayed” opposite from her, I wanted it to work as an example, as a live projection of a situation that in different context could express most people.
The ripping of the paper before the live show commenced was intended to portray a revelation. A confession of my own, very private experiences that would follow through the whole exhibition, which I will elaborate on later. I felt that everyone attending should know they were going to share something totally private, a “secret” that I decided to share. I wanted this confession to be followed by a particular ritual .
The performance was based on a concept of mine5 that I shared with Anna-Liisa with whom I managed to communicate and cooperate constructively. Under my directing she could improvise with regards to choosing her moves and therefore leave her personal mark in the presentation. By entering my project and apprehending my concept she managed to bring a creation of her own to life, one that embodied everything I wanted to say regarding women’s imprisonment in their own body and how the social gender is defined by the sex through a strictly feminine point of view.
Finally, what also played an important part in the making of this particular project was the sound design, for which I cooperated with the sound designer Niqo Liberi. It has to be taken into account that all sounds used were not only accompanying the performance but they were also integral to it, in some instances even created audio images that stood for optical images, that were necessary for the audience to understand my concept.
In the following days of the exhibition, an installation was set up where the live performance had taken place. Not only was it set up there to be reminding of the performance but also to complement it, showing that the woman’s spiritual wandering is not finished. It perpetuates. Her torturous struggle to find a way out of her faith (that turned out to be of no help) and find a way out of an identity that was made up for her by somebody else is everlasting. For this reason I chose a video that contains movement (the figure appears and disappears in various spots) and not a static image. I wanted the magnitude of repetitiveness and circularity (that is a key component to all psychological conditions, relations and questioning, as well as a main subject of the whole exhibition) to be made obvious. In addition, with the use of a television screen, I wanted to create the illusion that the woman is still in the room. Her appearance in the room, as being alive through the course of the exhibition was essential, as I did not want to create the impression that she was deceased. My message was that the upshot of the presentation was not as important as her constant, everlasting battle of “a-sthenia”.
In addition, I set up a section including religious elements and symbols that indicated the atmosphere present on the first day of the exhibition. There were elements related to sacredness, such as vigil lights, censers, candles, oil, lighters, oblations (little metallic items with engraved illustrations of body parts that need to be healed) They were arranged in such a way that they were ready for use. This was my way of trying to make the audience realize that I am making them part of my state of mind and respective practices. It isn't an exaggeration to say that, this was a way for me to show my intent to sanctify the woman who was presented in this story. I purposely used Christian religious symbols to deliver my message, irrespective of my views on faith, as these were the practices I grew up with and they were the only ones I could use as symbols .
Furthermore, I ensured that the crutches were left on display at the exhibition, for symbolic purposes. This project had a psychoanalytical core and was therefore emotionally charged.
One of my main concerns regarding the performance was how I would capture the essence of the live performance and deliver it to those not present for the actual performance. I came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be useful to over-analyze the content so as to make sure that everyone is able to understand or feel it and that it should not be an intermediary between the work of art and the audience. I believe that the time based and specific site installation received positive comments from those who saw and understood it, while for another part of the audience it might have been considered as a “negative” aspect of the exhibition. I even decided to openly share my concern with the audience since my work was highly autobiographical and self-psychoanalytical. This is exactly why the phrase “For those who know, no explanation is necessary, for those who don’t, no explanation is sufficient” was put up in the transition point between the installation and the video exhibition.
Video collage - split screens
All of the videos are a purely personal and autobiographical part of the exhibition. In the performance I added autobiographical elements as hints, while in the videos, I literally brought family relations and affairs to light, using the people that are actually involved. I did not use actors, I asked my parents, brother and grandmother to play the roles I assigned to them. Those parts were not made up, they were the way I see them in real life. Exactly because I confess and expose myself in the videos, because I share my secrets with the audience, I chose to show the videos on a niche on the left side of the Gallery, as a smaller size projection in relation to the one of the largest video projection of “slap me”. The videos are more than a plain report or description, they are an announcement of feelings and situations that for me, as I have already mentioned, has a psychoanalytical and a psychotherapeutic dimension. Furthermore, it contains an element of “revenge” for situations I have been hurt by, from time to time. It was the first time in my life I felt ready to do something like this. I had left my country and my home to study abroad, I managed to detach myself from certain situations, observe them objectively write them down. Away from the everyday life of my family, I managed to approach it with self-possession and with the self-criticism necessary, without actually living it but by recalling it. In addition, this was also my first work as an artist, allowed me to use this experience as a means of “catharsis” but also as the initiation of a brand new world, one that gives me the opportunity to express my opposition towards the religious and scientist stereotypes I was brought up with.
I thought that presenting sides of problematic and soul-destroying relationships within the family would be ideal, as that would accentuate the circularity and the difficulties one faces when it comes to escaping those relationships. All videos are made with loops for the reason mentioned above, to emphasize repetitiveness which is a fundamental element of all perplexed human relations
What I was interested in, from an artistic point of view was that the content and the way I formed it would be prominent, and not making an impression with the technical equipment I would use. For artistic but also for practical and financial reasons, I thought that the University’s projectors would be adequate. The main idea of the whole concept was simplicity and realism in my images. I also considered it to be a sincere practice to be used on the setting-up and utilization of the technical equipment, which in my opinion should not be enforced in the content to make an impression. On the contrary, they should be used to bolster it up.
Even if each video is a story on its own and they could be considered separate works, to me they are a unity and one could be , to me they are a unity and have continuity, as in the process of making one of them ideas for the next came up, to complement or adverse them. Everything is in split screens, a style I used to show different dimensions of each situation but also to insert additional information every time I thought it to be necessary to complete the main subject shown. The element that connects the five videos is castration , five different versions of it and in a different context each time.
• My grandmother and father play in the first video. My grandmother appears to be extremely elderly and weak. She can hardly use the big scissors with which she threatens to castrate with. The scissors’ snipping is repetitive and intense. Next, the scissors are handed over to the person who was going to be castrated, my father. He brings the scissors to his chest. He compulsively accepts the threat, and brings it on to himself, as if admitting he cannot escape it. He gives the scissors back to her, for her to proceed with the castration. This is where his weakness, his lack of determination and will to alter this situation, his “a-sthenia” lies. The shots on the side provide information and explain the reasons why the situation is such. More information about the grandmother’s personality and her influence on my father is provided. I edited her image and presented her bearing male genitalia as part of her own body. This is the role she had to play due to the absence of her husband who was a sea man . She had to perform the role of both a mother and a father. Again, in a revengeful mood, I wanted to revise the standard image of a traditional grandmother visually. This is obvious in the contrast between the two shots, as in the first one the grandmother appears wearing her hair in a bun which is typical of elder women, while in the other one her image is “wilder”, (in a sense that she is wearing her hair long and it is blowing in the wind.
• In the second video the hand holding the scissors is mine and the other is my father’s. Here, it looks like I am the one finally castrating my father, who had just experienced the fear of castration from his mother without having finally been subjected to it. The theme of 'castration' that is being explored here is multi-dimensional and has the following meanings. On one hand, it marks my effort to rid myself from the excessively problematic situation caused by my father’s handicap and the impact the situation of the absence of a father-figure had on me as a child. On the other hand there is something in this image that brings animals to mind, the hand “walks” like a pawn on the chair. It is the same hand that held the crutches, which is the exact image of my father I have in my head, along with the intense movements of his arms. If one takes into account that in semantics the nails of all living organisms are translated to aggression and means of harming or immobilizing the victim, in this case, the nail clipping is charged with the semantic weight of the effort to restrain body growth, to stop someone else from obstructing me. Furthermore, nails grow and need care and clipping every now and then, thus they can easily be paralleled to emotional problems that are fed by our own existence and they never stop growing unless we, ourselves, or some other person takes care of them and stops them from growing.
This is the only one of the five videos where the cutting tool manages to cut and injure. Blood oozes from the smallest and weakest finger, as in this case in my effort to seek “revenge” and detach myself sentimentally from this dead end situation, I cut deeper than I should have and this results in me hurting my father. This might be the only shot where “a-sthenia” is fought not only from me, but also from my father who accepts to show the camera his injured and bleeding finger.
• The third video was the first one I made, which in the course developed as an idea and presentation but was also the inspiration for the rest the videos. It was also the starting point for the exploration of relationships within my family. In this video I reenact the connection between the mother and the child through the umbilical cord, the inmost desire to cut it, in order for maturity and independence to be achieved, according to the dictations of the western scientific thought but I also touch human fear and insecurity of detachment.
This is how fear, threat and the palindrome moves of mother and child before the undoing of this bond are interpreted. It is the fear of the new situation, the fear of detachment, but at the same time the fear that this detachment must be completed. The scissors flow to show the threat hovering over the relationship. The origin of this threat as well as the person who is threatened is unspecified, for it concerns both of them: mother and son.
The father plays no part in this dilemma. He is absent. The threat has no particular face, it is multiple and multidimensional. It concerns existence as a whole, not the body nor the soul, this is why it occupies the main shot four times and it includes it forming a cross. The characters move continuously, compulsively, in an almost neurotic way. It begins with an embrace and it is completed in a circle, with an embrace again, but one cannot make out what is hiding there, if the umbilical cord is there or not.
• My father and uncle take part in the fourth video. What is more prominent in this one is abrasion. Each one of them tries to prove his strength and masculinity. This is to say, the subject is survival of the fittest, display of power and the rivalry between these two individuals. What they are more afraid of is that their masculinity might be doubted. They were born to the same mother; therefore they have both faced the metaphorical threat of castration The irony lies in that their body-type is almost effeminate, their breasts are big, they do not have the standard male body type, which makes their need to seek confirmation for their masculinity more intense. The shoot is composed of the two characters positioned across each other holding electrical cutting wheels. Sparks from the cutting tools fire out frame the two characters. The direction of the sparkles that are created by each one’s effort is diametrically opposite. They are two completely different people, the only thing they really have in common is that they both wish to disengage themselves from the responsibility they feel to demonstrate their power as expected by males. In the end, none of the two quits this compulsive act, neither do they show any sign of “sthenos” against the oppression caused by their sexual identity. This is where their “a-sthenia” lies. Not only they do not stop this “game” they are playing, but in the end, they start producing sparkles while facing the camera, showing their strength in a final effort to prove who is stronger than whom.
• In the fifth video I chose to use only one member of my family, my brother and a man who is a butcher. I wanted to show that I cut him off from the rest of the family. This particular choice has its roots to my mental image of him, with regards to his role in the family. The first impression is that he is attached to the family; he is always involved in family issues and in a way plays the part of a negotiator between the family and the rest of the world. In some extent, he is supposedly financially and professionally independent, but in reality he has not shown the strength (“sthenos”) required to detach himself emotionally from the family, to live on his own or even the strength to argue with the parents in case a family crisis occurs. In this video, I present him as an apprentice to a butcher. There is no injury or cutting in this video. What is prominent is the repetitive motion of the tool. The idea is that I present him to work with a professional butcher; so as to learn the craft learn how to cut with force, learn how to cut deep when necessary. The way the act is being performed, combined with the tool and object to be cut, symbolizes the behavior and attitude to life that my brother has, according to my opinion. Thus, it functions as an urge for him to face life with strength and honesty. In a way, I “punish” my brother by isolating him from the rest of the family, because his role as a mediator/negotiator in the family –an attitude completely different from mine- and as a result has always made me feel like an outsider.
Overall, in all five videos, the different ways of presenting castration, both physical and metaphorical is aimed at setting examples to the audience. It is a presentation of situations that may remind the audience of situations they have experienced themselves. One might identify him/herself, since these situations are more or else common to many families. The feel that I wanted to create is that our relationships with people close to us often cause dilemmas; this is the reason why I used repetition as a pattern. I also wanted to trigger the audience to think of how our experiences affect the way we think and our attitude in life as well as to make clear that it is important that one takes time to dedicate to him/herself and their relationships, so as to redefine and reform them, instead of letting them get stagnant in a pre-defined and often sick context.
“Slap-me” video
The projection on the large wall opposite the entrance shows my parents sitting at a table that is set for lunch. It symbolizes a typical day in the life of the Greek family. The table functions as the meeting point of the family, it is where the family members meet and communicate. The moment the whole family sits at the table is almost considered to be sacred.
In this particular case, my parents are seated opposite one another. This is a typical moment of communication in everyday life but it is also the moment they confront each other. Their mouths are gagged and through the movement of their hands there is a hint of contact. A contact of a different kind, one where violence becomes a form of communication due to lack of other means, due to failure of the ability of expressing thoughts and emotions. The body is used as a mediator for messages, their aim is not to hurt each other, it is the only means of communication available. The ability to communicate, to express emotions through speech is lost. Their mouths are gagged by the absence of “sthenos” to express themselves through speech that might have its roots in lack of knowledge or emotional strength, to shame, or to lack of different forms of castration that could have given them the ability to manage their feelings consciously through speech or expression. Even if what is happening is causing them physical and emotional pain, it is impossible that they stop it, due to the fact they are being selfish or due to their need, their passion to express themselves in any way possible. At times, it seems like everything is calm on the surface, the hands go up and down, caress each other, but the tension in the weird and restless way the hands move is such that only presages the next wave of violence. This is but a vicious circle of compulsive repetition.
The sound heard through the video is reminiscent of wailing and moaning. I imitated the sound I produced as a child when I whined or protested or wanted to show I was annoyed by something but could not cry. Often, I would produce this “protesting” sound when I heard my parents fight. It was a sound that was so intense, I would still hear it in my ears long after I had stopped producing it. This is how I wanted it to be in the exhibition, loud, almost irritating at first but hypnotizing later, so that anyone leaving the room would take the sound with them after they had walked out.
The sound in the exhibition was really my voice edited by a PC. It was coming out of this particular video – for technical reasons- but it was meant to be heard throughout the room as it was the soundtrack for all the other projections. After its final edit, there was an echo to it as if it was coming from different people, as to say that similar situations are experienced –at least as far as emotional impact is concerned- by most people. In the beginning it was so monotonous and acute, one that it is hard to endure, but as it went on, due to its monotony became hypnotizing. It turned out to help the audience concentrate on the videos and understand them. The speakers were put up in a way that made it seem like the sound pushed the audiences towards the central video “slap me”.
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About a month after the exhibition, I am able to make an account of what I have gained and achieved through this process. I can also criticize myself with regards to what could have been done differently.
I dedicated myself to this exhibition both literally and metaphorically. I was immersed in the project for a long period of time, and I dedicated myself physically and emotionally. The content derived from all of my personal experiences and the way I presented and edited it was according to the artistic techniques and exploration of theories I came to contact with, through this MA. Techniques and theories that have impressed, influenced and touched me. My strongest emotional moment was when I realized that these studies affected my life and changed it, opened my mind and cleansed my soul. Through them, I achieved salvation; I came in touch with a new, creative way to handle my feelings and thoughts. This fills me with pleasure and it is this pleasure I try to communicate to anyone who comes in touch with my work, in one way or the other.
Initially, it was hard for me to go back to situations I was hurt or scarred by, it was painful to experience them again, to try and process them artistically in order to use them in a creative manner. The idea of the exhibition frightened me because I would have to share my most intimate thoughts, not just to one person, like I would to a psychologist, but to a larger audience of people of different cultures and beliefs. Bearing these factors in mind, I felt I was taking a risk. I risked that my work might not have been understood by some or to have been considered bizarre or even funny by others.
I gained great strength when I realized how beneficial this effort was for both my soul and personality. The process of preparing and organizing the exhibition had psychoanalytical and psychotherapeutic effects on me.
Of course, I had to face great difficulties, mainly technical and financial. After having discussions with various people, I borrowed the University’s projectors and I had to readjust pieces of my original project in order for the Gallery owner to consent to the exhibition taking place in her Gallery. Furthermore, my PC “betrayed” me a few days before the exhibition and I had to set a lot of things up from the start with all the patience I had left after losing a respectable amount of work. In one way or the other, I overcame all the obstacles that came my way, and the exhibition had finally started.
On the first day, I was under unbearable emotional and psychological stress when I realized that it was 6:30 p.m and the crowd was yet to show up for the Performance. I was desperate and in panic. The minutes until there were enough people to start the show felt like an eternity. After almost half an hour, when enough people had shown up and had gathered in from of the glass, the exhibition started with the live performance, which dare I say, even I found to be sensational in its final form.
As months have passed by the end of the exhibition, I came to realize that at that time I was not ready to face criticism or listen to feedback as I should have. I was not composed enough-as I was very tired after having put a lot of effort and energy in this project- to accept views on my work which were different from mine.
Looking back now, I can say that my attitude towards criticism could pose as a psychological complex, since I can now realize that not only am I profoundly interested in listening to any comment or objection towards the exhibition but I consider observing my own work through different perspectives to be substantially beneficial and I try to share and grasp the impressions it has made on other people whether they were good or bad. Besides, since the exhibition, my art has gone on existing through people’s observation and it has now acquired its own shape and form which is constantly evolving. Even when I watch the video from the exhibition myself over and over again, I always spot new dimensions in it and I do realize their impact vary from individual to individual. Borrowing a principle from linguistics – literature and applying it into Art in general, I’d say “the qualified reader discovers new messages which the creators themselves didn’t mean to convey in their works of art.” If one should contemplate how interactive an exhibition is, only then would one fully comprehend the immensely important role that conversation, re-evaluation and feedback play in the very essence of the work of art itself.
Nevertheless, I do not regret the fact that I decided to use different ways of recording reviews instead of the ordinary guest book/comment book during the exhibition . In my opinion, the reviews recorded in the guest book/comment book are usually formal, flattering and lacking in essence – with some exceptions, of course – whereas for someone to be interested enough in commenting on the exhibition so as to log on the internet to review proves to be an honest, meaningful and conscious intention of constructive criticism.
Following the disclosing pattern I have imbued the exhibition with, I would like to finish with another personal confession:
Through my final project I reconnected with my family from which I was detached in the past. For me, it was utterly touching and redeeming that my parents and family proved that they approved and trusted me in an overwhelming and honest way by taking part in my videos as performers. I cannot help but think of it as a sheer acceptance of the truth that was hidden beneath my confusion that i have expressed through my work. Thus, one of my greatest problems – the feeling that no one was willing to understand me – has now been solved. Frankly, for them, this was a step they would have never taken as their participation in my work was something they could never imagine. As for me, it was an inmost desire which now has come to life.
posted by argy sapountzakis at 6:13 AM
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